A little bit of science in the fantasy

Fantasy fiction is like science-fiction without the science. Metaphysics, not physics. Psychology, not surgery. Some publishers insist on some science-content, however slight.

The day before yesterday, while on my walk, I remembered the Chaos Pendulum; I think it’s in Bridlington Priory. It is cross-shaped; inside the horizontal beam is a hollow metal tube open at both ends; recycled water enters at the mid-point, which is also the point of balance. Logically, the water should flow evenly through the tube and out of the ends, leaving the beam horizontal. But it doesn’t. Sometimes it tips to the left, sometimes it tips to the right. And it’s completely unpredictable. And I think that Jo-Jo and Tomas could be watching the pendulum, and when it stabilises they’ll know that Seth has reached the Vortex (or whatever I'm going to call it) and has taken control. Some of the church furniture in Bridlington Priory was made by a local wood-carver whose trade-mark was a mouse. There are little carved wooden mice on the pews, the pulpit, and the organ-case. And because of the excess of chaos they have come to life and started breeding and the Priory is overrun with them. There might be an issue with pagan gods in a Christian church, but I think I can wriggle out of that one, or my characters can.

So when I get home I google for Bridlington Priory, whose website is being rebuilt, and look for the chaos pendulum, but I can't find it. And then, Google be praised! I find it. It’s called the Chaotic Pendulum, and it’s in St Mary Redcliffe, here in Bristol! And that’s even better, because they can get in through the secret entrance in Redcliffe Caves (there isn’t one) which is also a Portal… But no wooden mice, then. Pity; they'd have been cute, and fun to write. And when the pendulum remains horizontal and water pours out of both ends simultaneously, it's hailed as the Redcliffe Miracle... ooh, I could have fun with that! No chaos at all is as bad as too much chaos.

But it’s not so good, because I’ve set my story in an imaginary English city—English because it has pubs and people talk English, and a city because you can get lost easier and there’s a multi-ethnic population—which is really Bristol except where I’ve put in a bit of Sheffield or Leicester or somewhere else where Bristol didn’t have the bit I wanted. So everyone will have to up sticks and rush off to Bristol to find the Portal and the Pendulum (hmm, possible title?), or else I un-disguise the places and set it in really-truly Bristol. I'll have to write a Disclaimer, emphasising that all pubs are fictitious, and that Bristol taxi drivers are sensitive, tolerant liberals who never overcharge.

I’ve written a taxi-driver who is a nasty racist bigot. (Is there another kind? Of racist bigot, I mean. See above re taxi-drivers.)) At first I gave him what I hoped was an all-purpose demotic accent, which you could read in your own preferred (or hated) accent of choice. Then I realised I was saying something I didn’t want to say about people with regional accents, so I rewrote him without the dropped Hs and "vem"s, keeping his speech rhythm. Should I give him his accent back? And would it be a Yurr, Vis be Brizzle-type accent?

Always write down your ideas. If you don't, the Idea Fairy* will come and take them back again.

*Not to be confused with the IKEA Fairy, who makes your bookshelves collapse in the night.